The Stages of Ordering a New Phone Online

I’ve been eligible for an upgrade on my phone for a little over two weeks now and for most of that time, I was debating about upgrading. You see, I’ve had the iPhone 5 since January of 2013 and I never want to own any phone other than an iPhone ever again. I’ve become one of those people. When the iPhone 5c was released a few months back, I really needed one. Specifically, I needed a yellow one with a blue case that had holes in the back.

See how pretty this new phone is?  So much better than the old one.

See how pretty this new phone is? So much better than the old one.

And then, on Wednesday, Verizon sent me an email letting me know that I qualified (because I am so awesome, probably) for a free iPhone 5c (not including the $30 upgrade fee) with free shipping. So, after a few lengthy discussions with a few friends that now hate everything about the iPhone 5c, I accepted Verizon’s offer and ordered a yellow iPhone 5c with a blue case with holes in the back. I have since gone through the following stages of ordering, receiving, setting up, and becoming used to a new phone.

Stage 1: Anticipation

So, you’ve decided to order your new phone online instead of going into the store to make the purchase. Good for you – who needs to talk to those sales clerks, anyways? But now, you don’t have the phone immediately. You’re probably going to die because this old phone is terrible. That’s the reason you upgraded, right? This old phone has a dumb case that isn’t blue and you’re sick of getting told that you’re running out of storage because you can’t bring yourself to delete any of the 2,173 pictures that you took over the course of the last six months. And now, you have to wait at least 24 hours for this new phone.

Oh, but when this new phone comes — and you know exactly where it is because you have been checking FedEx tracking like it is your job — it will be glorious and shiny and yellow. And you will have so much more room for activities because this one has double the amount of storage space of your old phone.

Stage 2: Arrival

The phone is HERE! It’s here! And you’re at work. For another two hours. How on Earth are you supposed to set it up and play with it if you’re working?

“It’s okay,” you tell yourself. All you have to do is hold on for two more hours and then you have the entire weekend to get to know this bright little beauty. All that matters is that you have a new phone and it is perfect. It is the perfect color and the perfect size and the perfect everything.

Stage 3: Human Interaction

Now comes the time to set it up. You thought that by ordering online that you wouldn’t have to speak to an actual human being. Well, you thought wrong. You’ve finally gotten home from work and you want to be able to use your new phone for its intended purpose which means calling the customer service department at Verizon. You’re going to pretend to be normal for a few minutes while Tom helps you setup your new phone. You’re also going to pretend that you didn’t forget Tom’s name immediately after he said it. Because you totally didn’t.

Stage 4: Love

You’re in love with your new phone. Everything is possible with this new phone. You’ve already given it a new name, which you’ve carefully thought out and prepared lovingly (Yaroslava or ‘Glory of Spring’ in Russian) and now you’re downloading all of your favorite apps that you had on your old phone. Yaroslava is going to be so great and she already sounds wonderful when you receive a text message. It’s the same sound as your old phone, but some how, it sounds much better when coming from Yaroslava’s speaker.

Stage 5:  Disenchantment

Something has happened. This phone is set up a bit differently from the old one and you can’t figure out how to get the settings exactly the way you wanted. And then, you have extra contacts in your list that weren’t there before. Now, not only do you have to navigate your way through the sometimes confusing Settings, but you also have to delete a bunch of contacts that you don’t want to have. Ugh. You hate this phone. You’re regretting upgrading right away. You could have waited for the iPhone 6. The iPhone 6 is probably going to be so amazing and now you’re stuck with this yellow monstrosity for two whole years. But, patience was never your forte and the phone did look so pretty in the email.

Stage 6:  Love Again

You’ve figured out how to make the battery icon display the percentage it had left and then took five minutes to delete your extra contacts. This phone is still perfect. You’re sorry that you even felt disenchanted for even an instant. You love this phone. You’ll never stray or want another phone again. And think about all of the different blue cases you could get that showcases how lovely the yellow looks. You were so silly. You just hope that the phone can forgive you.

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